I’m not whole, but in parts torn between reality and fantasy can’t relate to being without can’t stand having so much of nothing.
Feeling sorry for myself is not an option.
Feeling bad for my family is the worst.
Need a new way and nothing is making way for depression.
Depressed about everything, happy about nothing.
Arms able, mind capable, body willing, but still stand in suspense.
Broken not sure how, or why, just know still not working.
I feel like God has me suspended in midair but I’m unable to see what I need to see to be able to move in the direction in which he wants.
Why when I thought my eyes was opened wide, but I was so wrong.
I am either out of my mind or out of my body.
Nothing I do seems to work for me so broken I am broken I must be.
Until God fixes me.
Devotion: May 13, 2010
I still feel out of touch with reality right now, but know that I am not out of touch with God. He will fix what is wrong with me. He is the rock in which I must lean on to fill the void that is hindering me and allowing me this pain. I feel like I am always losing and never winning. Just when I think I have a handle on things God lets me know that he is the one the is in charge. I know I stray but he picks me up and put me right back on track. I am learning as I go because no one knows it beforehand just as they go.
A Better Man
Like God gave Adam, Eve, and you have me.
I know that you are able, capable and willing to make your life better.
The wisdom you give is accountable and will be taken in by those you share.
No regrets for anything that you have endured for they were stepping stone to getting more.
Knowledge is a blessing so take it as such and you shall see you shall not want for much.
God has given everything you need just find the path in which you should travel in order to succeed.
Be not ashamed of your past for your future shall not be curse and allow your thoughts to be unrehearsed.
Pleasant dreams become future endeavors and nightmare just your fears, but no more, for you are a better man with God in your plans.
Let your spirit guide you through and your heart shall be full with joy.
Make love to only your intimate thoughts and allow no man to move you and dishonor your trust.
Better man damn right and shall get better in this life.
Dedication: December 23, 2009
I believe all men can change but with the help of a good woman and a better man, God. I love you and it is beyond the intimate part of life. I love you to my soul even if we are never as one. I love you. You have restored hope in me for love, because I thought I was so done with it that I was going to be without for the rest of my days on this planet. Thank you so much for that, I needed it. Thank you, God, for allowing me this change and feeling.
Truth of the Soul
I live in a world all on my own, looking out into the heart and soul of the earth.
Trying to figure out where did mankind go wrong, but coming up empty.
Every day, another body slain by the hand of man or shall I say, a coward.
How can someone love life but respect no one else’s but want, or demand respect for their life?
God is the creator and the destroyer so why is the devil playing game with your mind, because you are a weak soul unable to think for yourself, or recognize when you’re being played as a sucker.
Stupid as I have done as stupid as I have become.
Dare to be me, to show myself, I can do.
To my own soul, I have become untrue.
I lie to get the truth of another.
I have drowned out my sister and turned my back on my brother.
I asked nothing, but requested everyone to live in peace.
While facing hell, I wanted heaven.
Embracing danger, I looked for salvation.
A place to go to redeem my spirit after causing pain and suffering.
Idolizing fear, but desiring hope for I know deep within I could do better than I am.
Blessing negativity, and working positivity out of my life only to indulge in more negative behavior.
Influencing damnation, and worshiping dishonesty for all.
Watching horror grow within me not caring what happens to me.
This is my past and present state of mind.
Also, my present and future state of mind is in for a change.
God spun me around and now I am on different grounds.
Getting into step with life realizing I only live once, and not twice.
Doing things different learning new directions.
Implementing love where I’m needed.
Earning my way while counting my blessings.
Caring and cherishing others wishes, and feeling of life.
Uplift ideas, and understandings of people intertwining in my wife.
Growing into another woman, not different, but better.
Devotion: April 27, 2009
I love my little brother. Anyone who isn’t taking a look at their life to see if they need improvement is not the living in reality but in a fantasy if they think they are perfect. I use to live like that in one point in my life but had to realize that it wasn’t my world. It was only what I thought I should live like. Then reality hit me and hard, I had to face it head on and understand that where I was, isn’t where I wanted nor needed to be. I lived in a hole and didn’t want to see the world for what it was but what I wanted it to be. How is it that many people live like this and blame everyone else when something isn’t right in their life, but not themselves.
I don’t live in fear of living without you.
I don’t live in fear of dying.
I don’t live in fear of dancing my final dance without you.
I only fear loving you and not showing it enough.
I don’t fear hurting your feelings.
I don’t fear telling you what’s on my mind.
I don’t fear traveling without you across country.
I only fear breaking you heart without ever saying I love you.
I don’t fear waking up without you on my side.
I don’t fear eating dinner alone.
I don’t fear coming into an empty house.
I do fear never going to bed without you in the first place.
I do fear never being able to cook dinner for two.
I do fear never saying good night to you.
No, I’m not so much afraid as I am scared of losing the love we have now to never seeing it again or feeling it again in the future.
I am scared of being alone in this life without ever knowing what love is or how it feels.
Devotion: March 28, 2009
It is a scary feeling to go through life without ever knowing love or never having someone to love nor anyone to love you. Love is a gift as well as a curse but be sure to experience it at least once because never knowing is worst then going through it. I’ve love, lost and loved again. So, I am just happy enough to know that God found me special enough to have given me such a blessing.